What Happened to the Good Old Days

The tears are rolling,
my hands are shaking,
my mind is racing.
i don’t know what’s wrong…
oh, wait-
it’s everything.

my favorite song is blaring
in the background of my silence.
but the words that used to be just pretty sound
with sad words that meant nothing to me
have become the theme song to my lonely nights.

words pass through my head
mixed up and jumbled.
the only coherent thought:
how did i get here?
what happened to the good old days?

it’s so late at night,
there’s no one there to talk to,
and if there was,
then i’d have to explain.
the lie that turned into more than
i am or am not okay.

it used to not be quite this bad,
a fake and broken smile every now and again.
but now it’s sleepless nights
and a churning stomach.
a life full of blatant mistakes.

So I finally was able to put this all into words. I started crying while writing this because this is how I get at night. Sometimes during the day, but mostly at night. I feel like I’m losing my mind and lately not even writing has helped. I don’t know. I always say, I’m just being over dramatic but I’m not. This is how I feel, and if it’s over dramatic, that doesn’t make it an exaggeration of how I feel. I love sitting up all night, but lately it’s not just I like it. I’ve tried going to bed, and literally not been able to sleep because things are bothering me. I used to exaggerate when I write occasionally, but most of the time such as now, this is it. 

Ramadhan is coming to an end.

I expected more out of myself - plans of finishing the whole Quran, along with hopes of performing the Tahajjud every last third of the night. Plans of being nice, and keeping hold of my tongue and refraining from mentioning the bad. Plans of becoming the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend, the bestest Muslimah I can manage to be.

With today being the Second last day of Ramadhan (I’m typing all this at 5pm), I look at how I’ve been recently and it’s sad to say I’ve barely reached any of those goals. My mother is mad at me, and despite attempts at apologizing, it kinda looks like it can go on for days…? I’m nowhere near to finishing the Quran, and most nights of mine were spent Facebooking. And being on Tumblr or on Twitter..

So no, I did not reach my goals. The list is far from being ticked clean, but I try not to be too harsh on myself. I have too much too handle as it is. 

If I turn out a better person than I was before Ramadhan came this year, then I’d say I didn’t do too bad. Improvements come slow, but as long as they come, just keep going.

Personal reminders:
“Life is not about perfection. It is instead about progress.”

“There’s nothing more powerful than du’a. If He has willed it for you, then who is able to stop it from coming to you?”

All this. Constant worry-clouds in my head. (Imagine grey clouds with unhappy frowny faces).

Heavy heart...

It’s been almost 3 weeks now and it still feels so weird to have lost a best friend. There’s those moments when everything just pops back in your head, from memories of fun times to the initial shock of the loss and it’s almost like it breaks your heart all over again. I hate this feeling !!!


What seems to ease the pain is knowing your finally at peace and worry free. I miss you SO 


much and I know your watching from above.  this is truely the hardest thing i have ever had to go through n i cant get over it  . its impossible i cant live with it i call your number almost everyday hoping that it was all a dream and i will hear your voice again ! but everytime nothing ....


R.I.P Farasat  <3 i love you sooo much..!!!


 The memories of your life will never be forgotten, though forever you'll be gone... will you wait for me in heaven?

Verily along with every hardship is relief.!

When someone beats a rug with a stick, he is not beating the rug – his aim is to get rid of the dust. Your inward is full of dust from the veil of ‘I’-ness, and that dust will not leave all at once. With every cruelty and every blow, it departs little by little from the heart’s face, sometimes in sleep and sometimes in wakefulness.” -Rumi

So often we experience things in life, and yet never see the connections between them. When we are given a hardship, or feel pain, we often fail to consider that that experience may be the direct cause or result of another action or experience. Sometimes we fail to recognize the direct connection between the pain in our lives and our relationship with Allah (swt).

That pain and adversity serves many purposes in life. Times of hardship can act as both an indication as well as a cure, for our broken relationship with our Creator.

Times of difficulty test our faith, our fortitude and our strength. During these times, the level of our Iman becomes manifest. Adversity strips away our masks, revealing the truth behind mere declaration of faith. Hardships separate those whose declaration is true from those who are false. 

             “Verily along with every hardship is relief”  -Quran 94:5

You’re beautiful the way you are..!!!

It’s so sad that so many people view themselves in such a negative way, myself included. But it’s horrible the extents we go to to “fix” our “imperfections.” It’s so sad that so many people believe the lies that tell them they’re ugly. It’s so sad that people practically starve themselves and throw up after every meal because they believe the lies that they’re fat. All these women and even young girls that pay hundreds, even thousands for plastic surgery because of lies that they’re ugly. It’s so sad how many people commit suicide because they believe the lies that they’re worthless and don’t deserve to live. It’s even worse that most of the time, it’s not other people who fill our heads with these lies, it’s usually yourself. I’m here to say don’t listen to those lies, don’t listen to other people, learn to love yourself and others will love you too. Don’t think bad of yourself because you’re beautiful the way you are, there is a reason why you’re here, you may not see it now but there is a purpose for you. You’re beautiful the way you are, everyone is different and you’re beautiful no matter your size or race, we’re all beautiful.

Qualities which bring peace to those who love Allah

Loving Allah, knowing Him, remembering Him, seeking peace in Him, singling Him out for complete love, fear, hope, and dependence- these qualities that, when combined in a person, constitute a sort of heaven on earth. They are qualities that bring peace to those who love Allah, a sort of peace that has no comparison in this world.

If the heart is content and has a strong attachment to Allah, anxiety and grief will be removed from it. And vice versa: no one feels more constricted with grief than someone whose heart is attached to other than Allah-someone who forgets Allah’s remembrance and who is not satisfied with what He has given him. 

Feelings, Failures, Finding Happiness

So, today, I just want to share a few lessons—meaning three—that I’ve learned in my journey so far.

The three lessons that have had the greatest impact on my life have to do with feelings, with failure and with finding happiness.

When you’re doing the work you’re meant to do, it feels right and every day is a bonus, regardless of what you’re getting paid.

It’s true. And how do you know when you’re doing something right? How do you know that? It feels so. What I know now is that feelings are really your GPS system for life. When you’re supposed to do something or not supposed to do something, your emotional guidance system lets you know. The trick is to learn to check your ego at the door and start checking your gut instead. Every right decision I’ve made—every right decision I’ve ever made—has come from my gut. And every wrong decision I’ve ever made was a result of me not listening to the greater voice of myself.

If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. That’s the lesson. And that lesson alone will save you, my friends, a lot of grief. Even doubt means don’t. This is what I’ve learned. There are many times when you don’t know what to do. When you don’t know what to do, get still, get very still, until you do know what to do.

So, lesson one, follow your feelings. If it feels right, move forward. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.

Now I want to talk a little bit about failings, because nobody’s journey is seamless or smooth. We all stumble. We all have setbacks. If things go wrong, you hit a dead end—as you will—it’s just life’s way of saying time to change course. So, ask every failure—this is what I do with every failure, every crisis, every difficult time—I say, what is this here to teach me? And as soon as you get the lesson, you get to move on. If you really get the lesson, you pass and you don’t have to repeat the class. If you don’t get the lesson..!

And what I’ve found is that difficulties come when you don’t pay attention to life’s whisper, because life always whispers to you first. And if you ignore the whisper, sooner or later you’ll get a scream. Whatever you resist persists. But, if you ask the right question—not why is this happening, but what is this here to teach me?—it puts you in the place and space to get the lesson you need.

Not a small topic this is, finding happiness. But in some ways I think it’s the simplest of all. Gwendolyn Brooks wrote a poem for her children. It’s called “Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward.” And she says at the end, “Live not for battles won. / Live not for the-end-of-the-song. / Live in the along.” She’s saying, like Eckhart Tolle, that you have to live for the present. You have to be in the moment. Whatever has happened to you in your past has no power over this present moment, because life is now.

But I think she’s also saying, be a part of something. Don’t live for yourself alone. This is what I know for sure: In order to be truly happy, you must live along with and you have to stand for something larger than yourself. Because life is a reciprocal exchange. To move forward you have to give back. And to me, that is the greatest lesson of life. To be happy, you have to give something back...

This was the speech I rendered in our english class :) Hope it touched your heart too <3