loneliness.!!

I’m sorry, we did everything we could, they say. And for that split second, I feel myself helplessly falling; falling with nothing to save me; falling with nothing to soften the cruel, heavy blows that life has dealt me. I’m sorry for your loss, they say, and I feel my heart sink so low, I do not think it possible to retrieve. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, they say, even though I want so badly to make them imagine.  I want them to feel as alone as I do. Want them to feel this loneliness that does not depend on the amount of people near me. It does not matter if the room I am in contains people who are packed in like sardines, or if I am accompanied by a mere number of two people, this constant, dead feeling of nothingness. I want them to feel that sickening feeling I do every morning when I wake up - that the one person I had poured my heart out to, like a gushing body of water from a dam whose walls had been broken, would no longer be here, ever. I want them to feel that empty, eerie white noise that fills my mind for days on end. To know how it feels to wake up and not care if the world suddenly ended , because this means that I can be with him. I wanted them to feel as cowardly as I do, . I am no longer afraid of pain - no, it seems that these days, all I can do is sit at my computer with this hollowed out husk of a body. I do not feel sad - sad is healthy, sad is an emotion. And this is what scares me most.