Monday, 29 August 2011

What Happened to the Good Old Days





The tears are rolling,
my hands are shaking,
my mind is racing.
i don’t know what’s wrong…
oh, wait-
it’s everything.

my favorite song is blaring
in the background of my silence.
but the words that used to be just pretty sound
with sad words that meant nothing to me
have become the theme song to my lonely nights.

words pass through my head
mixed up and jumbled.
the only coherent thought:
how did i get here?
what happened to the good old days?

it’s so late at night,
there’s no one there to talk to,
and if there was,
then i’d have to explain.
the lie that turned into more than
i am or am not okay.

it used to not be quite this bad,
a fake and broken smile every now and again.
but now it’s sleepless nights
and a churning stomach.
a life full of blatant mistakes.

So I finally was able to put this all into words. I started crying while writing this because this is how I get at night. Sometimes during the day, but mostly at night. I feel like I’m losing my mind and lately not even writing has helped. I don’t know. I always say, I’m just being over dramatic but I’m not. This is how I feel, and if it’s over dramatic, that doesn’t make it an exaggeration of how I feel. I love sitting up all night, but lately it’s not just I like it. I’ve tried going to bed, and literally not been able to sleep because things are bothering me. I used to exaggerate when I write occasionally, but most of the time such as now, this is it. 

Ramadhan is coming to an end.


I expected more out of myself - plans of finishing the whole Quran, along with hopes of performing the Tahajjud every last third of the night. Plans of being nice, and keeping hold of my tongue and refraining from mentioning the bad. Plans of becoming the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend, the bestest Muslimah I can manage to be.
With today being the Second last day of Ramadhan (I’m typing all this at 5pm), I look at how I’ve been recently and it’s sad to say I’ve barely reached any of those goals. My mother is mad at me, and despite attempts at apologizing, it kinda looks like it can go on for days…? I’m nowhere near to finishing the Quran, and most nights of mine were spent Facebooking. And being on Tumblr or on Twitter..
So no, I did not reach my goals. The list is far from being ticked clean, but I try not to be too harsh on myself. I have too much too handle as it is. 
If I turn out a better person than I was before Ramadhan came this year, then I’d say I didn’t do too bad. Improvements come slow, but as long as they come, just keep going.
Personal reminders:
“Life is not about perfection. It is instead about progress.”
“There’s nothing more powerful than du’a. If He has willed it for you, then who is able to stop it from coming to you?”
All this. Constant worry-clouds in my head. (Imagine grey clouds with unhappy frowny faces).

Friday, 26 August 2011

Heavy heart...



It’s been almost 3 weeks now and it still feels so weird to have lost a best friend. There’s those moments when everything just pops back in your head, from memories of fun times to the initial shock of the loss and it’s almost like it breaks your heart all over again. I hate this feeling !!!


What seems to ease the pain is knowing your finally at peace and worry free. I miss you SO 


much and I know your watching from above♥ this is truely the hardest thing i have ever had to go through n i cant get over it  . its impossible i cant live with it i call your number almost everyday hoping that it was all a dream and i will hear your voice again ! but everytime nothing ....


R.I.P Farasat  <3 i love you sooo much..!!!


 The memories of your life will never be forgotten, though forever you'll be gone... will you wait for me in heaven?

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Verily along with every hardship is relief.!




When someone beats a rug with a stick, he is not beating the rug – his aim is to get rid of the dust. Your inward is full of dust from the veil of ‘I’-ness, and that dust will not leave all at once. With every cruelty and every blow, it departs little by little from the heart’s face, sometimes in sleep and sometimes in wakefulness.” -Rumi
So often we experience things in life, and yet never see the connections between them. When we are given a hardship, or feel pain, we often fail to consider that that experience may be the direct cause or result of another action or experience. Sometimes we fail to recognize the direct connection between the pain in our lives and our relationship with Allah (swt).
That pain and adversity serves many purposes in life. Times of hardship can act as both an indication as well as a cure, for our broken relationship with our Creator.
Times of difficulty test our faith, our fortitude and our strength. During these times, the level of our Iman becomes manifest. Adversity strips away our masks, revealing the truth behind mere declaration of faith. Hardships separate those whose declaration is true from those who are false. 
             “Verily along with every hardship is relief”  -Quran 94:5

You’re beautiful the way you are..!!!


It’s so sad that so many people view themselves in such a negative way, myself included. But it’s horrible the extents we go to to “fix” our “imperfections.” It’s so sad that so many people believe the lies that tell them they’re ugly. It’s so sad that people practically starve themselves and throw up after every meal because they believe the lies that they’re fat. All these women and even young girls that pay hundreds, even thousands for plastic surgery because of lies that they’re ugly. It’s so sad how many people commit suicide because they believe the lies that they’re worthless and don’t deserve to live. It’s even worse that most of the time, it’s not other people who fill our heads with these lies, it’s usually yourself. I’m here to say don’t listen to those lies, don’t listen to other people, learn to love yourself and others will love you too. Don’t think bad of yourself because you’re beautiful the way you are, there is a reason why you’re here, you may not see it now but there is a purpose for you. You’re beautiful the way you are, everyone is different and you’re beautiful no matter your size or race, we’re all beautiful.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Qualities which bring peace to those who love Allah


Loving Allah, knowing Him, remembering Him, seeking peace in Him, singling Him out for complete love, fear, hope, and dependence- these qualities that, when combined in a person, constitute a sort of heaven on earth. They are qualities that bring peace to those who love Allah, a sort of peace that has no comparison in this world.
If the heart is content and has a strong attachment to Allah, anxiety and grief will be removed from it. And vice versa: no one feels more constricted with grief than someone whose heart is attached to other than Allah-someone who forgets Allah’s remembrance and who is not satisfied with what He has given him. 

Monday, 22 August 2011

Feelings, Failures, Finding Happiness


So, today, I just want to share a few lessons—meaning three—that I’ve learned in my journey so far.
The three lessons that have had the greatest impact on my life have to do with feelings, with failure and with finding happiness.
When you’re doing the work you’re meant to do, it feels right and every day is a bonus, regardless of what you’re getting paid.
It’s true. And how do you know when you’re doing something right? How do you know that? It feels so. What I know now is that feelings are really your GPS system for life. When you’re supposed to do something or not supposed to do something, your emotional guidance system lets you know. The trick is to learn to check your ego at the door and start checking your gut instead. Every right decision I’ve made—every right decision I’ve ever made—has come from my gut. And every wrong decision I’ve ever made was a result of me not listening to the greater voice of myself.
If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. That’s the lesson. And that lesson alone will save you, my friends, a lot of grief. Even doubt means don’t. This is what I’ve learned. There are many times when you don’t know what to do. When you don’t know what to do, get still, get very still, until you do know what to do.
So, lesson one, follow your feelings. If it feels right, move forward. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.
Now I want to talk a little bit about failings, because nobody’s journey is seamless or smooth. We all stumble. We all have setbacks. If things go wrong, you hit a dead end—as you will—it’s just life’s way of saying time to change course. So, ask every failure—this is what I do with every failure, every crisis, every difficult time—I say, what is this here to teach me? And as soon as you get the lesson, you get to move on. If you really get the lesson, you pass and you don’t have to repeat the class. If you don’t get the lesson..!

And what I’ve found is that difficulties come when you don’t pay attention to life’s whisper, because life always whispers to you first. And if you ignore the whisper, sooner or later you’ll get a scream. Whatever you resist persists. But, if you ask the right question—not why is this happening, but what is this here to teach me?—it puts you in the place and space to get the lesson you need.
Not a small topic this is, finding happiness. But in some ways I think it’s the simplest of all. Gwendolyn Brooks wrote a poem for her children. It’s called “Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward.” And she says at the end, “Live not for battles won. / Live not for the-end-of-the-song. / Live in the along.” She’s saying, like Eckhart Tolle, that you have to live for the present. You have to be in the moment. Whatever has happened to you in your past has no power over this present moment, because life is now.
But I think she’s also saying, be a part of something. Don’t live for yourself alone. This is what I know for sure: In order to be truly happy, you must live along with and you have to stand for something larger than yourself. Because life is a reciprocal exchange. To move forward you have to give back. And to me, that is the greatest lesson of life. To be happy, you have to give something back...

This was the speech I rendered in our english class :) Hope it touched your heart too <3

Saturday, 20 August 2011

REMINDER: Karachi is Pakistan, too.


I’m sure many of you sincerely believe in the words of Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah, the Two Nation Theory, the ideology of “Pakistan”, and everything “Pakistani”, but as Karachi burns, bleeds and cries, I don’t see my “patriotic” Pakistan come out. Why? Because maybe, it’s not Islamabad (the heavenly, green capital) and maybe, it’s not Swat (the beautiful vacation spot everyone wants to go to). Oh, no. It’s JUST Karachi. I know friends of mine say, “Oh, you’re from Karachi? Life must be really bad there. Thank God, Islamabad/Lahore/Rawalpindi/Peshawar/Quetta is very safe from all that nonsense.”
It honestly hurts me when people say it like that. Karachi is burning tonight. It was burning yesterday. It will most probably burn tomorrow too, but who gives a damn? Seriously, if someone did, MAYBE IT WOULD HAVE STOPPED BY NOW. They removed Taliban from Swat, didn’t they? They didn’t need endless number of stretchers, a billion ambulance sirens running around the megacities, thousands of innocent deaths to stop, but for Karachi, this isn’t the “necessity of the moment”?
Believe it or not, Karachi is the most important part of our nation’s economy. If you can’t care about it because you don’t belong from there, at least care about where your money is coming from.
I’m sorry. Tonight, my “Pakistan” let me down. It would be really nice if ALL Pakistanis owned up to Karachi - maybe then it would really be Pakistan.
Please, don’t give me a crap about unity again. 

P.S, 800 people have been killed this year in Karachi, 748 in the entire 2010. It’s only August now. 4 more months to go. 
“I feel my heart ache, but I’ve forgotten what that feeling means.” - Chuck Palahniuk

:(





ahhhhh!!! its been two weeks loosing u Farasat n its really difficult to overcum wid dis los ov urs ... i still remember tht call whch i recievd 4m ur number wid an unknwn voice who gave me da worst news ever I can’t believe I’m never gonna see you again.you in a better place and you may be happy but I’m not.You’re gone forever and I’m just going through pictures,keeping you alive in my head thinking of all our memories…but what would I do when all the pictures are done and I wanna take new ones and make new memories?I dunno.I’m so lost....=(( RIP Farasat...You got the Best month ..
May Allah give you Best place in Jannat-ul-Firdous.. Ameen  :(( badly missing u Farasat n u'll be always in our hearts , memories , happiness n in our sorrows .. !!
May ur soul rest in Heaven Aameen Sum Aameen .. hope n wish u happy there Aameen...
God did not take you away from us.He gave you to heaven ( Insha Allah) so that your light could shine over there. Rest In Peace

are you looking for love?


When life gives you lemons, you make lemon aid. As people we are often such for what it is to be human, and where we fit in, and more often than not we find it, is love. Our bodies long for someone and our head is eager to love and to be loved back and when it’s not happening for us, we immediately get down on our selves asking things like “ what’s wrong with me” and the answer is nothing in order to seek and find love; it does not happen that way, although you may find lust, it won’t last long. in order to find love, you must love yourself. well why would you do that? for one you are stuck with yourself, 24/7 and its easy if you love who you are and second it so much better to let love find you by surprise rather, then being disappointed all the time. So if you are surching for love look no further than the person in the mirror and let yourself be your boyfriend or girlfriend take yourself on a date stop being afraid to be alone and when you get comfortable with yourself maybe you’ll find someone but if not you won’t care so many causes, you will be too busy loving yourself.

Friday, 19 August 2011

Sometimes...

Sometimes I just wanna start everything over… Live my life starting from scratch. It would give me a chance to do everything right; No disappointments, no anger, just honesty. Sometimes I just wanna confess to all the lies I’ve said and relieve myself of all the fear in my mentality. Clearing my conscious and conquering my fears are things I’ve always wanted to do. I feel like both of these are keeping me from reaching my full potential. Sometimes I just wanna take a stroll down to the park and appreciate the wind against my cheek. Notice the freckles on a little boy’s face and show him the beauty of a single dandelion. I’d sit on a swing when I’d get the chance. I would find that a simple push by someone else is worth a million words because for those 2 seconds, at the most, you let go of everything, put it in the hands of this other person, and look forward to an unknown high. Sometimes I wanna leave the country without letting anyone know and just enjoy the purity of the world. With this influence, I’d like to see the world through new eyes and envision how the world would be different if everyone experienced what I had been experiencing. Sometimes I want to lay on my roof and count the stars in the beautiful night sky. Although nearly impossible, I’d like to accomplish what no one else has accomplished before. I wanna find the brightest star, learn its’ name and find it every night after that. Sometimes I just wanna find this nonsense again we all call “Love,” just so I can face my insecurities and prove that it really is out there. Sometimes I don’t even wanna believe in Love because of just that, it hasn’t proven it’s out there. Sometimes…. 

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Before i finally shove off to bed...



I have to express just how thankful i am.  i have so much love and support from  my family , and i honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  it’s so comforting to know that my parents make it very clear that they love me, and just want me to be happy, and that if i need to cry my mom will just hold me while i sob pathetically into their arms.  my friends are great to be around, and they always have a kind word or an open ear for me.  even my friends’ parents have shown me such beautiful, undeserved kindess.  i just pray that one day everyone feels this way; 

good night  <3

Thankful

One of my random “happy” vents cause my blog seems so depressing sometimes. Lol. I wanna say I’m thankful for this summer. It has taught me a lot and gave me ample time to think things over and I have a new perspective when it comes to certain situations. I now know that I’m stronger than I put myself out to be. And I know that I don’t have to be strong by myself. I have my friends and family there to help me whenever I need them and God to be there. I’m thankful for all the hurt times I went through this summer. It’s made me a better person. I’m thankful for all the people that listen to my stupid vents all the time. I’m thankful for all the times that I cried over being hurt. It taught me that even though being strong and putting on happy face all the time is good, it’s only good til it’s about that time to break down. That breaking down and sometimes just crying is good too. You can’t be strong forever. And being strong when you have every right to break down shows great strength. I’m kinda thankful for all the back and forth bullshit I went through. I’m still learning to stand my ground with that one but I can’t help that that’s my weakness. You. I’m still learning and trying to figure things and people out but I’m still thankful for you. I’m very, very thankful for the people I got closer with this summer. There are still good people in this fucked up world and I’m glad I got closer to a few. So yea, I’m very thankful (:

Monday, 15 August 2011

For once...

For once,
I wish you would stop
telling me that I’m worth it
and show me.

For once,
I wish you wouldn’t tell
me I deserve better and
actually prove it.

For once,
I wish you’d skip the point
where you say I’m good enough
and make me believe it.

For once…
           just once,
    I wish you’d realize that
there are moment where words
aren’t necessary because actions—
your actions, are the very things
that say it all.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Its Rained Tonight..!!!


It was absolutely beautiful. It started with this gale, and light little drops, and then eventually you had silent lightning and fast rain and a cool cool atmosphere, and that beautiful sound of the leaves rustling. It was dark, but you could still make out the trees, and see the light behind the clouds every once and in awhile. Cars would pass by, with high beams hitting the trees, you could hear the splatter of the water on the road.
And then, i saw it; the proper real lighting, with the crooked white bolt against the dark purple clouds. It happened a few more times. Then the rain stopped, and it was just lightning, and then thunder. And then the rain restarted, and now its really coming down.
I just feel so much when it rains; its like i can feel the essence of the earth speaking to me; like i can travel back in time, before borders and races and creeds, to just the time of creation. Thats what makes nature beautiful, its endless and eternal, so whatever thunder storm you’re going through, chances are your ancestors went through that same storm not too long ago. And then the essence of the earths past becomes one with the earth, and that becomes one with you....


Friday, 12 August 2011

The BELIEF I'll Continue To Hold On To...

If you believe in GOD, you must believe he is the master of all things. He created YOU for a reason. He brought you through IT for a reason. Trust in him to keep YOU, and pay attention to all the lessons those reasons teach YOU. Don’t let God’s reasons be in vain...

Day of Judgement..!!!

Imagine yourself standing in a gathering. Crowds of people, all of them worried, more than worried… Panicking… Sweating up to their necks out of worry and terror. What’s going to happen? What will the final decision be? Have I pleased Him or have I angered Him? Have I earned His eternal wrath or have I earned His everlasting mercy? – question on everyone’s mind. After we leave this world, we enter another. A world we cannot see but is a fundamental part of our belief. How can we begin to imagine this world? Allah ‘azza wajal and then our Prophet sallalahu ‘alaihi wa sallam describes the sequence of events beginning from the signs of the hour, the day of judgement and all that occurs up until we enter upon our final destination either in the terrible torments of the Hellfire or the everlasting pleasures of Paradise.


On the day of judgement, your life is going to play like a movie in front of you, your parents, your siblings, people you love, people you've wronged, people you've lied to, the entire world, and most importantly GOD. Now, knowing that, look back at your life, look at your life now and look where your life's headed. Is this a movie you're proud to be starring in? If not, check yo'self before you reck yo'self.


May Allah ‘azza wajal make us inhabitants of Paradise. Ameen.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

What am I really?


I am but a human is a sea of humanity.
I am creature amongst billions and billions and billions of living organisms.
I am a very small mass on a much larger one.
I am a spec of dust on rock, which is one of many rocks doing the cosmic and potentially infinite dance, going round and round.
I’m merely an atom that is a very small part of the whole body, the universe.
Most importantly, I am a servant of Allah (swt),

Positive changes in my life!

I have decided that I’m going to change my view on things. I’m tired of viewing the cup as being half empty. I’m tired of viewing the world as a dark place. I’m tired of being depressed. Time to have a positive look on things. I’m going to be optimistic instead of being pessimistic. I’m going to change the way I am. Well, I’m not going to change completely. I’m not going to turn into someone else. 

Thinking.


Today I thought of something.
2 years ago, if that, I used to be so naive. I honestly believed everything was nice and lovely and that everyone could get on together. I used to have a positive outlook on life; that everything would work out in the end. And I used to like and trust everyone until given a reason not to like or trust them.
Now I believe that nothing is nice, nothing is lovely and majority of things are filled with hate. I don’t really have a positive outlook any more either; not everything works out the way that would be best for you. And now, I don’t like anyone until they give me a reason to like them and I most definitely do not trust any one unless they have earned it.
I don’t why, in a relatively short time, I have become such a negative person. I just want to go back to being a kid again, where everything was simple, no boys were involved and where everyone became your best friend as soon as you met them. ,,

Food for thought

There comes a point when you have got to stop relying on other people to make you feel okay. You’ve got to stop saying “I need you.” You’ve got to stop feeling like you can’t live without someone, because guess what? You can. There is no one in this world who knows how to pick you up better than yourself. Sometimes, there won’t be someone who can fix you when you’re breaking. Sometimes, you’re just alone, and you know what? That’s good. Because if you don’t know how to fix yourself when you’re broken, you won’t get anywhere. It’ll seem like the worst thing in the world at first, but I promise you, if you don’t run to anybody, if you just give yourself a chance, you’d be surprised what you can accomplish.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

That's life.

Sometimes you don’t need people around you to feel safe because sometimes they are the ones making you feel unsafe. There comes a time in life when you have to go through the downs to experience the ups. There is a saying ‘that’s life’ and that is what we need to live by. We get told to be the best and never give up. The world is fierce and the competition is tough but if we try our very best and never give up we will succeed. Nobody wishes us luck because they say we don’t need it. Maybe we do, is that the difference between us? You were wished luck and we weren’t. Sometimes all we need to do is cry to show that we care and sometimes we need to smile to show that we don’t, no matter how much it hurts.

I Miss you..:(

Rest In Peace. I’m going to miss you so much! I love you a lot . I know you will always be looking down on me and I will be praying up to you. You were an amazing person and went through so much to make everyone else happy. The way you left is terrible and heartbreaking, May you enjoy eternal life  and happiness in heaven..( Insha Allah). You will NEVER be forgotten! our thoughts & heart will forever embrace your memory.. May you rest in peace knowing how much you are remembered and loved.. Miss you alot...Love you Farasat ..='( May departed soul rest in heaven ( Aameen)




Im numb to this pain.

So ive cried about it for too long and honest to goodness i really need to get over the fact that he is no more.. but i dont think i can.. cause it hurt, it really did. .. . Miss You Farasat..:( I miss you more than you'll ever know...I wish that i could have told you how much you meant to me..:( I hope you are at peace now... i loved u, i love u and will always love u. , i know the angels are going to take good care of you..You might be gone 
from us but you will forever be engraved into our hearts and never far from our thoughts.. . You ll be remembered for ever for sure.... RIP

Monday, 8 August 2011

I found it...

Ever since i could remember i always felt this emptiness inside of my heart, this hole that cant seem to be filled. I was showered with love and care from people around me. I was happy, on the surface anyways. For a long time i had thought that it was only me, something i did or simply because i wasnt perfect. It took me a long time to find the answer. The answer why i felt this way. It wasnt because i wasnt good enough, or that i was a horrible person, it wasnt even because i couldnt find my “other half” . The answer was simple. That hole was there inside all of us for a good reason. It is there for us to find happiness from simple sincerity, generosity and kindness. It comes from loving and being grateful for everything around you, even the little things. Loving Allah, living for a purpose, whatever it may be.That’s what make us happy <3 Thank you Allah for giving me this answer. I will treasure it. 

I really want to hate you, but I can’t.


I’m trying to figure out what exactly has been worrying me. I have this roller coaster of feelings


 and it’s not like I’m


sad or anything, I just.. I don’t feel anything- it’s almost like I’m apathetic, but I still feel. Does that


 make sense?


I’m not sure if this is just a reaction to all my memories or, yeah, I don’t even know. I just. I don’t 


care about most


 things anymore- it makes me kind of an ass, but I’d just rather be a bit cold hearted than put


 myself in a situation 


where I’m hurt again. I’m not going back to feeling hurt in any way, not happening.


I am going to be stronger than who I was. Things change, people change; life happens, and it


 moves on.  

Sunday, 7 August 2011

Another thought.

Sometimes it's hard to complain about life. It hurts you so much that it makes you too numb to even sense the pain. To smell misery. To feel the teardrops falling from your eyes. To hear the sadness flowing through your soul. To know what melancholy tastes like. To touch the endless stack of hurtful memories gathered at the bottom of your heart. And to finally realize that everything happens for a greater cause.

My Thoughts

During one of those bad days when everything you have put together for your whole life seems to break apart, your heart becomes a burden for you to carry. As if tons of pounds have been attached to it, the red chunk of muscle throbbing away at the core of your body weighs you down. Everything around you shatters like a fragile piece of glass breaking into million tiny fragments.
At those times, you need to trust someone. You need someone to believe in, someone you can share your darkest secrets with. Someone who you at least need to pretend knows everything about you. Someone whom you can cry to without the least hesitation, or without the pricking feelings of being ashamed. Someone who you can always turn to.
Sometimes, it all makes me crave for going somewhere where I could be alone with my God. Away
from all those mists of confusion, away from the unruly mankind.
At least in my heart, I know God will always be there for me to listen to my sorrows; to guide me to light.